improvidence

ADAM WAGNER: “COME ON EVERYBODY IT’S HISTORY TIME!”
The following excerpt of an excerpt is from Benjamin Elizabeth Franklin’s Poor Man’s Almanac of 1850-52

The following is an excerpt taken from the personal diaries of the illustrious Charles Darwin. Some of the words have been blurred and/or are illegible, so we have translated it to the best of our abilities

MARCH 12 – Diary, today I believe I have made my finest discovery to date. Whilst traversing the thick, humid forests with my pet dog George, I came across a strange beast of diabolical proportions. He was hunched over what appeared to be a large, just made from baha’s tex mex concoction. The beast continuously chanted the gibberish “it’s a philly cheesteak!” until I finally felt disturbed enough to leave. I shall return tomorrow perhaps.

MARCH 14 – Dear Diary, I am sooooo sorry I didn’t write in you yesterday. I was totally going to then was like, OMG whoops! Anyways, my increasing desires to learn more about this aberrant creature led me to make the first real contact yesterday. It went a little something like this…
Me: HELLO FOUL BEAST. BE YE FRIEND OR FOE?
Beast: GRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHMNNOMNOM.
Me: DO YOU NOT SPEAK, MAN?
Beast: HRAAAAMNOMNOMNOM.
Me: I WILL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR ARCHAIC MEANS OF COMMUNICATION! (leave)
Beast: Wait, what? Sorry I was eating…

MARCH 25 – I know it’s name, diary! I heard him murmur the words “Adm’n Wagnot.” I also think I understand how he became this humanlike beast in the jungle. He was originally a strict administrative assistant who played a mean pinball, but he eventually gave up those ways to live a life with less distractions. He ran, nah, DANCED his way to the forest where he’s been thumpin’ ever since.

APRIL 1- Diary… I feel my life is like the sands of time…. I feel carefree on the descent, but it is not until I am at the bottom of the glass that I realize I should not have fallen to begin with… but hey, that’s gravity I guess.

APRIL 3 – WAHALA! Today I did venture out across the barren desert only to find nothing. Tomorrow I must look harder if I wish to catch a glimpse of the evasive Apple Waggler!

APRIL 7 – Diary, Argh Wrangler came outside my tent last night and howled some very bizarre gruntings… I believe it to be his possible mating calls. I have done my best to record these accurately…
“COME ON EVERYBODY!”
“hey, why don’t you come over and… SELF DESTRUCT!”
“MIGHTY WIND!”
“LAAAAAZEEEEEER PIIIIIIITS!”
“CONDITIONER?!?!?!?”

APRIL 12 – I have decided to invite the Damn WiggleWaggle out on an excursion in a few days, diary. I will inform you of his decision.

APRIL 13 – DIARY! HE SAID, “i have THE POWER” WHICH TOTALLY MEANS YES! We are going to go out in 5 days. Totes excited!

APRIL 18 – Deer Diary, So me and Ajar VVanger found some REAL nice ladies in the jungle and got their numbers. I am like so exciteeeehhhhd. But shud I like… call her soon? Or shoold I wait? I donknow. Hic But diary, I donnnneed any girl. ANY girl. Because baby… YOU. You got whutI need. BUT YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND. WHY DO YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND?!?

APRIL 19 – Dear Diary, I awoke this morning with a terrible headache and no recollection of last night. I must investigate.

DAVID BRESCIA-WEILER: “IS NOBODY ELSE FEELING THIS?!“
Yo. This mike on?

Drop the beat.

Straight out of D.C. Keeping things P.C.
Yo it ain’t easy.
Unless you are D.B.
W. Don’t act a fool.
Better run when you see purple shoes.
Straight up improv genius
Is nobody else feeling this?!
Better keep off the soil cause that shit’s for plants only
It gets lonely filing for alimony
Cause your wife can’t cook meat right
Use purell before a fistfight
and before shaking hands
Don’t step on his plans of
Utter destruction, football instruction, alien abduction
He’s the rhyming Beethoven
With full hearing capabilities
Delivering magic carpets to your facilities
You gon be astounded by his improv-abilities

Lil Imp out. Word.

GABE GONZALEZ: “wait… thats a bag of WHAT!?”
The Great Gonzalez:

Much mystery shrouds the guardian of justice in a fog of ephemeral righteousness, penetrable only by his trusty Manchu manservant, the respectable Rah Kin-Ro’l. Gallivanting across delirious dimensions of space and time, maintaining the tall order of reasonable euphoria and acceptable child labor legislations, the Masked Marauder and Saucy Sidekick always manage to return safely to at least one of their wealthy estates/ oil refineries/ daycare centers (yes, all in one), along the Brazilian coastline. Here, they don their alter egos: the Handsome Hero is mild-mannered Gabe Gonzalez, sole heir to Caboodles ‘n’ Confectionaries, his father’s cupcake empire; his crafty comrade is popular music star William Hung.

It is only when Germaine Gabe spots his signal from the Commissioner (being a giant bag of Wahoos and Ding-Dongs) does he transmogrify into our Beloved Brilliance, faster than you can say “Whatever is inside that giant bag, it sure contributes to our great society of maturity! [citation needed]”

Alas! It is the Great Gonzales’s Arch Nemesis: The Villain Formerly Known As The Bad Guy! (…gasp…). TVKATBG always has generally evil plots to attempt to take some form of a leadership role in his city’s local legislation. This time its probably in the Department of Agriculture or something (…gasp again…). BUT! By summoning the powers of the all inter-dimensional shamans and a 12 watt light bulb, the Mighty Masked Mass of Man Meat vanquishes whats-his-face straight to the legendary, massive sack of Doodles and Dinglers for all of eternity.

With evil away for the day, the Virile Visigoth and his Acclimated Acolyte walk into the sunset, where they sleep for millions of nanoseconds inside the core, composed of molten lead and interstellar ibexes [citation needed] burning at 15 million Kelvin. Yeah. That’s Hawt.

JENNY GORELICK: “So Distinguished She Can’t be Extinguished“
While snacking on a bowl of goat-leek soup on an uncommonly brisk May afternoon Queen Marie of Romania famously said “Fashion exists for women with no taste, etiquette for people with no breeding.” She was wrong. She had also never met Jenny Gorelick.

Recognizing their overall sloppiness of attire and harshness of attitude, the members of Improvidence spent long days, stormy nights, treacherous evenings, sweaty dawns, anxious daybreaks and passionate afternoons courting Ms. Gorelick to the ends of the Earth in hopes that she would make these wild beasts into cultured men and women. After deliberation and consternation Jenny was finally persuaded to join the alliance by the bribe of one hundred and fifty crates full of rare, black market amphibians.

Upon Jenny’s enlistment to the group, Improvidence immediately saw its etiquette, style and reproductive ability skyrocket. They may not have team uniforms as Jenny would like but at least have started getting their fur trimmed every once in a while.

Still, it should be noted that Ms. Gorelick can be quite the ruffian herself when necessary and would surely put the heel of her meticulously buckled knee-high leather boots through Queen Marie’s dental structure if that bitch said it to her face. Her ability to adapt her civilized ways with the rough life on the road with Improvidence has been Jenny’s most impressive feat. It can now be said that no one uses perfect manners so aggressively nor dresses so exquisitely with such ferocity. Her poise and commitment make her an integral part of the group and have helped Improvidence to shift its focus from barehanded mountain lion hunting to live comedic improvisational performance.

JEREMY SILBERBERG: “iwhipmyhairbackanforthiwhipmyhairbackanforth”
On the occasion of his half birthday, an ode to Jer:

Unzip, unzip eeeeee eeeeee eeeee
Out fly narsty moths ferociously
Above the majestic head of Jer
Who you undoubtedly noticed standing there.

Denim buttondown, atop the rest
Covering a deliciously hair’ed chest
With eyes of brown and teeth of white
My oh Moses, is he quite the sight.

An artist, a god, an improv hero, a man
A mysterious RISDer with no need for a plan.
He cocks his head to the side
A night of mayhem at his house is implied.

Within the smoky den of the illustrious Jer
You find you’re hungry, with despair.
For in the fridge, you let out a sneeze,
All there is, is MOLDY CHEESE.

With love and devotion,
Happy 20 ½ my darling.

Horace Hadlington
Friend and Fellow Cheese Sniffer

LEO ROSSONI: “It feels like there’s a brick in my colon!“
As you walk down Centre st. passing Canal in the late hours of the evening, you hear a faint murmur from the shadows. To you, it sounds almost like a lullaby. As you approach the deepest corner, you can start to make out words.

Pick a card. Pick a card. Any card. Pick a card.

Who could it be? You begin to shiver from suspense.

Pick a card. Pick a card. Any card. Pick a card.

He’s there. Clad in darkness. Only visible because of the playing cards cutting through the air. His hands are moving as swift as the phorid-humpbacked fly of the tropics. He doesn’t stop for a second.

It must be him.

Dragon Master USA. Man of legend.

He is said to dance like one from the streets. Create lifelike pictures using only pencils and paper – or crayons, chalk, markers, canvas, or paint. He can toss a slinky with such grace and specificity that it becomes a ballet. Known to change character with such believability and speed – he’s the iguana, wait, no, chameleon of humans.

You slowly approach him. He acknowledges your presence and beckons you to pick a card.

Your choice is wrong. But of course it is. You can’t fool the Dragon Master. He’s always one step ahead. He thinks on his feet with the quickness and efficiency of the Google Search Engine.

You throw your erroneous choice on the ground and stomp on it in frustration!

ew. eww. ewwww. EWW. EWWWWWW. EWWWWWWWWWWW. He licks the card, then places it back in the deck.

With a wink he adjusts his helmet and hops on to his motorcycle and into the night.

And that was the last time you ever saw him.

MADELEINE HEIL: “The Greatest Show on Earth!”
Step right up, STEP RIGHT UP! Come one, come all and see the Magnificent Madeleine Heil! This gal is dropping jaws like it’s martial law, she’s packing the house like Santa Klaus. Because folks, you know you’ll get a present when this pheasant is present, she’ll always be pleasant to even a peasant!

And speaking of peasants, who do we have here? Yes, you! In the stripes! Don’t believe me? Come on in and see! I won’t charge you, it’s free! But I do have to pay the bills to wet the gills, if ya’ know what I mean, so don’t be a peeve, give a tip when you leave! The tip jar’s a hip jar and it’s right on the strip bar, but that doesn’t mean we’re that kind of establishment, ‘caus we ain’t! Hurry along now, Mr. Peasant man! His toes knows where the shows goes! Right inside! Right this way sir!

I like that hat sir, but it’s a little too big for your head, to be perfectly honest.

Ah yes, pretty lady, come on up, step right in! If you give her a quarter she’ll douse you all with water, if you give her a dime she’ll sprinkle some thyme, if you give her a nickel she’ll call you fickle, and don’t even ask what happens if you give her a penny ‘caus I seen it and it isn’t pretty one bit!

What’s that, sir?

No, you don’t have to beg sir, she’ll become an egg sir. She’s got more charm sir than a fire alarm, sir, more fresh bread sir than cousin Fred, sir, she’s got an act sir that ain’t never been hacked sir, you’ll love this Madame’s shimmy shimmy shabam, sir! This girl can cancan like Jan can, and Jan can cancan like a flan pan from Uzbekistan!

So come right in, come in and see! You’ll love this gal, that’s a guarantee!