improvidence

*The following excerpt of an excerpt is from Benjamin Elizabeth Franklin’s Poor Man’s Almanac of 1850-52*

The following is an excerpt taken from the personal diaries of the illustrious Charles Darwin. Some of the words have been blurred and/or are illegible, so we have translated it to the best of our abilities

MARCH 12 – Diary, today I believe I have made my finest discovery to date. Whilst traversing the thick, humid forests with my pet dog George, I came across a strange beast of diabolical proportions. He was hunched over what appeared to be a large, just made from baha’s tex mex concoction. The beast continuously chanted the gibberish “it’s a philly cheesteak!” until I finally felt disturbed enough to leave. I shall return tomorrow perhaps.

MARCH 14 – Dear Diary, I am sooooo sorry I didn’t write in you yesterday. I was totally going to then was like, OMG whoops! Anyways, my increasing desires to learn more about this aberrant creature led me to make the first real contact yesterday. It went a little something like this…
Me: HELLO FOUL BEAST. BE YE FRIEND OR FOE?
Beast: GRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHMNNOMNOM.
Me: DO YOU NOT SPEAK, MAN?
Beast: HRAAAAMNOMNOMNOM.
Me: I WILL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR ARCHAIC MEANS OF COMMUNICATION! (leave)
Beast: Wait, what? Sorry I was eating…

MARCH 25 – I know it’s name, diary! I heard him murmur the words “Adm’n Wagnot.” I also think I understand how he became this humanlike beast in the jungle. He was originally a strict administrative assistant who played a mean pinball, but he eventually gave up those ways to live a life with less distractions. He ran, nah, DANCED his way to the forest where he’s been thumpin’ ever since.

APRIL 1- Diary… I feel my life is like the sands of time…. I feel carefree on the descent, but it is not until I am at the bottom of the glass that I realize I should not have fallen to begin with… but hey, that’s gravity I guess.

APRIL 3 – WAHALA! Today I did venture out across the barren desert only to find nothing. Tomorrow I must look harder if I wish to catch a glimpse of the evasive Apple Waggler!

APRIL 7 – Diary, Argh Wrangler came outside my tent last night and howled some very bizarre gruntings… I believe it to be his possible mating calls. I have done my best to record these accurately…
“COME ON EVERYBODY!”
“hey, why don’t you come over and… SELF DESTRUCT!”
“MIGHTY WIND!”
“LAAAAAZEEEEEER PIIIIIIITS!”
“CONDITIONER?!?!?!?”

APRIL 12 – I have decided to invite the Damn WiggleWaggle out on an excursion in a few days, diary. I will inform you of his decision.

APRIL 13 – DIARY! HE SAID, “i have THE POWER” WHICH TOTALLY MEANS YES! We are going to go out in 5 days. Totes excited!

APRIL 18 – Deer Diary, So me and Ajar VVanger found some REAL nice ladies in the jungle and got their numbers. I am like so exciteeeehhhhd. But shud I like… call her soon? Or shoold I wait? I donknow. Hic But diary, I donnnneed any girl. ANY girl. Because baby… YOU. You got whutI need. BUT YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND. WHY DO YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND?!?

APRIL 19 – Dear Diary, I awoke this morning with a terrible headache and no recollection of last night. I must investigate.